My Journey to Authenticity

The other day I discovered that I have outgrown the ability to be inauthentic. I noticed this when I tried on a former persona to make someone comfortable, the way one might squeeze into a pair of shoes a size too small and then hobble about all day just to please everyone else. Ouch! Inauthenticity hurts. It takes a toll on the body and mind. And it suffocates the spirit.

While there were many gifts to growing up in a spiritual community, a difficult aspect for me was the feeling that I might not be accepted if I was fully myself. As a sensitive child, I noticed any critical remarks directed at those who didn't uphold certain standards. I learned what to do and say to gain approval, and which aspects of myself to conceal to avoid potential rejection. I hid potato chips, movies, and pets when community members came over. On a deeper level, my doubts, concerns, and opinions were stuffed away. This facade resulted in others praising me for being a well-behaved girl and exemplary spiritual practitioner, which exacerbated my fears of being discovered for my less-than-perfect self. I felt trapped on the pedestal I had been placed on and didn't know how to get down.

Painful though it was, for decades I felt safer living a double life than an authentic one. This contributed to feelings of fragmentation, anxiety, isolation, and shame, and took a toll on my health as well. Sadly, when we don't feel safe to be ourselves, we must expend a lot of precious life energy in containment, rather than offering our unique contributions to the world.

As difficult as it can be to start showing up authentically, the more we do it, the easier it gets. By repeated practice, I gradually learned to trust that it is okay to show up fully as myself. Thanks to this journey, I have developed real, meaningful relationships. We all need someone in our life who will accept and encourage us just as we are. In their company we can heal and move forward. I am grateful for the loving people in my life who have done this for me. Today I feel lighter, more peaceful, and a new sense of freedom.

When I relax into myself, I find that I have more space to provide care and support for others. I empathize with those who struggle to find belonging and I would like others to feel safe being themselves with me. Please let me know if I can be of any support on your journey.

Charm Amidst Chaos

Life can be messy and complicated, much like these tree branches and leaves growing every which way. So many plans, responsibilities, and relationships to juggle! Once in a while though, if we pause and look carefully, we may notice a certain charm amidst the chaos. Gazing up at the sky helps me to recenter. Yesterday, these fresh leaves aglow with sunlight, warmed my spirits. I hope they do the same for you.

Beauty Within Contrast

I have always been drawn to the magical interplay of light and shadows and contrasting colors. So when I wandered upon these cheerful flowers in front of a dark forest background, several thoughts came to mind:

I reflected on the awe-inspiring and heart-touching qualities of hope and resiliency amidst struggle and adversity.

I also recalled an excerpt from an ancient wisdom text which describes the unique splendor of the Supreme Person's activities when performed against the backdrop of this dark world: “Just as a lamp does not seem to shine as brightly in sunlight as it does in the shade, or as a diamond does not seem as brilliant on a silver platter as it does on a plate of blue glass, the Lord's pastimes do not seem as amazing in the spiritual abode as they do within the material realm.”

And finally, here is a poetic depiction of Krishna, who is described as having the hue of a dark monsoon cloud: "His yellow garments and garlands of flowers made it appear as if a dark cloud were surrounded simultaneously by sun, moon, lightning and rainbows." Talk about an epic contrast!

Quotes are from Srimad Bhagavatam 10.14.37 and 1.11.27 respectively.

An Ode to My Voice

Several months ago, I had the honor of participating in an annual spoken word and poetry event. My stomach was aflutter due to the vulnerable nature of my piece, yet I found the process of sharing deeply cathartic.

I dedicate these words to anyone who has struggled to find their voice or muster up the courage to express themselves. I know well the pain of stories untold, words unspoken, questions unasked, all for the sake of keeping everyone else comfortable and avoiding rejection.

Bottling up our spirit for years or even decades feeds loneliness, shame, and resentment, among other emotions. When we don't feel safe, words that yearn to come forth are instead buried deep within the tissues of the body and may later reemerge as physical illness.

Behind every voice is a unique story. Bit by bit I'm sharing mine. Thank you for receiving me with empathy. 

Mitigating Shame

Four years ago, I created a project entitled "Shame For Me Is..." Every day for two weeks, I explored a scenario that provoked a feeling of shame. At the time, I was nervous to share this on social media, yet the empathetic responses that poured in were encouraging. I definitely wasn't alone.

Brene Brown defines shame as "the painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging." We set ourselves up to experience shame when we attach our self-worth to how others perceive us. It can feel safer to hide behind a facade than risk rejection. Fortunately, shame is mitigated when we share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding.

In recent years, I have been making a conscious effort to share more of my authentic self and it has been healing. I feel greater ease when the following situations occur because I know that my worth is not dependent on external circumstances.

I'm resharing a few of the project photos here. Do you relate with any of these? I'd like to hear what shame for you is (or was).

Pep Talk Jingle

The other day I caught myself being self-critical and noticed how I immediately felt discouraged. So, on the car ride home, I came up with this little song to encourage myself. Sometimes a dose of self-acceptance and kindness is just what we need to keep going. Feel free to share this with someone who needs a little encouragement.

Spiritual Inclusivity

After three years apart due to the pandemic, I finally saw my younger brother Cole last autumn. Cole is transgender and his journey over the past decade hasn’t been an easy one for him. It takes courage, sincerity, and perseverance to be oneself in a society that is often quick to judge those who don't conform to rigid gender expectations. I am proud of Cole and inspired by his authenticity.

My hope for the future is that regardless of gender identity, anyone who encounters a Hare Krishna community (or grows up within one like Cole did) will be warmly welcomed and included. After all, the Bhagavad Gita teaches that we are eternal souls, temporarily encased in material bodies. Each soul is inherently loveable to the Supreme Person and therefore equally deserving of our kindness and respect. To disrupt another soul's spiritual journey is a great tragedy.

At the end of the day, we can’t be anyone except ourselves. Krishna tells Arjuna in the Bhagavad Gita that everyone must act according to their own nature and repression accomplishes nothing. As singer Sammy Davis Jr. put it, “what else can I be but what I am?” Thank you, Cole, for being you!

Peace Amidst the Swirling

I came across this fresh sprig of flowers resting at the edge of a fountain. While water rushed steadily over its stem and droplets formed from the splashing, its delicate blossoms held steady. Reflecting on the continuous stream of thoughts that rush through my mind on a daily basis, I was reminded that I am the observer of these thoughts and can choose to let them swirl by without becoming disturbed.

The Bhagavad Gita assures peace for one who is able to remain steady in this way: “A person who is not disturbed by the incessant flow of desires – that enter like rivers into the ocean, which is ever being filled but is always still – can alone achieve peace, and not the person who strives to satisfy such desires.” (BG 2.70)

Hidden Beneath Clouds

Do you ever find yourself getting swept up by life's turbulent clouds? I've observed that when I lose myself in the story of my body, mind, and emotions, I start to hanker for that which I don't have, and lament for that which I can't keep.

Fortunately, beneath the haze, there exists an eternally blissful spiritual being. Clouds of material existence will come and go, yet our true selves remain untouched. Steady and luminous like the sun. Today I seek out those rays of light.

"Those who are seers of the truth have concluded that of the nonexistent [the material body] there is no endurance and of the eternal [the soul] there is no change. This they have concluded by studying the nature of both." (Bhagavad Gita 2.16)

A Relationship That Is Never Broken

While photographing this elegant scene, I considered how the leaves resemble various chapters of a lifetime, each one unique, some more uplifting than others. The one constant is the vine's sturdy stem from which the leaves emerge. We can ask ourselves: who or what is the constant in my life? For me, it is my relationship with an affectionate Supreme Person who journeys alongside me through life’s many ups and downs. Bhagavad Gita describes how everything rests upon the Supreme as pearls are strung on a thread (BG 9.2), or in this case, as leaves repose upon a vine.

Since childhood, I have struggled with anticipatory grief over losing loved ones. Perhaps some of you can relate. Therefore, I find great solace in the knowledge that I have an eternal well-wisher and friend, a companion till the end of this life and beyond. Here is an encouraging quote to affirm this: “The relationship with the Lord is never broken; thus there is no grief and no fear. There is an unlimited flow of everlasting happiness without the fear of its being broken as we have experienced here in the material world” (SB 2.7.47 purport). Now that's comforting isn't it?

Accepted For Our Devotion

With a palmful of nature, I reflected on the aphorism “It’s not the gift, but the thought that counts.” The Cambridge Dictionary explains the meaning of this phrase: kind intentions are the important thing, even if the gift is imperfect. Never has this saying been more accurate than in our offerings to the Supreme Person who already has everything. In the Bhagavad Gita, Krishna says: “If one offers Me with love and devotion a leaf, a flower, a fruit or water, I will accept it.” (BG 9.26) Confirmation: It’s our affection that counts!

Recently I heard a wonderful explanation of this verse by Hridayananda das Goswami: “The Sanskrit word prayatātmanaḥ literally means one who has offered their own soul. Krishna is saying that when you offer something with devotion, what that means is that you are really offering yourself. There is no fruit shortage in the spiritual world. They don’t have a hydrology issue; they don’t need the water. So the real point is that the fruit, leaf, water and flower are ways for a devotee to offer their own soul. And when Krishna says ‘I accept it,’ He is actually accepting you, He is accepting your soul. Because if you think of it, if Krishna accepted the leaf and left you behind, that wouldn’t help would it?”

No Loss or Dimunition

Look, it's a leafy changing bodies exhibit! I took this photo about a year ago. Since then, the wall has been torn down and a new building has taken its place. Time is life’s great conveyor belt, and we can't turn it off. Time also seems to move faster the older I get. This speeding up of subjective time with aging is well documented and is a phenomenon that continues to be explored. As Andy Rooney humorously puts it: “I’ve learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.”

Sometimes I reflect on how much time I have used up in mindless activities. Occasional twinges of regret spur me into positive change, while wallowing backfires and results in more lost time. I find that the most helpful question I can ask myself is "how will I spend the time I have right now, today?" As Bhaktivinoda Thakur eloquently reminds us:

“Forget the past that sleeps and ne’er

The future dream at all,

But act in times that are with thee

And progress thee shall call."

Fortunately, the time and energy I invest in my spiritual journey are never lost. Krishna promises in Bhagavad Gita: "In this endeavor there is no loss or diminution, and a little advancement on this path can protect one from the most dangerous type of fear." (BG 2.4) I find this verse reassuring and plan to make some eternal investments today. What about you?

A Soothing Remedy for a Lonely Heart

When you feel lonely
Place a hand over your heart
And with earnest feeling
Cry out Krishna's name
Now again and yet again
Something magical begins to happen

Tears spring to your eyes

As you sense Krishna close by!

He has been here all along

Your loving companion

For lifetimes

You never were alone and never will be

Your eternal well-wisher is here

Just waiting for you

To turn and notice

"The Supreme Lord Krishna, whose glories and activities are pleasing to hear, at once appears on the seat of my heart, as if called for, as soon as I begin to chant His holy activities." Narada Muni in Srimad Bhagavatam 1.6.33

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Note: I wrote this as a reminder for myself. Perhaps some of you will find that it resonates and brings hope. :)

One Whose Aim is Inward

Crouching among these fan palm leaves with my camera, I felt like a child discovering a good hiding spot! While I appreciate the tranquility and stillness in this scene, I am painfully aware of how challenging it can be to turn inward in a world that thrives on external validation and busyness. I may even be alone in a room yet keep a safe distance from myself through endless distraction. It can be difficult to sit quietly and discover who I am when no one else is around. It's easy to get swept up in the hustle and bustle of this world and lose sight of the true self along the way. Perhaps you can relate?

I keep this inspiring Bhagavad Gita quote on my desk to remind me that lasting fulfillment comes from within:

“One whose happiness is within, who is active and rejoices within, and whose aim is inward is actually the perfect mystic. She is liberated in the Supreme, and ultimately she attains the Supreme.” (Bhagavad Gita 5.24)

(Note: I used the "she" pronoun in the above verse to help me resonate more deeply with it, yet it applies to everyone)

Finding Rays of Hope

A few years ago, on a solitary walk, I came across this striking scene. I vividly recall being bathed by rays of hope and uplifting thoughts as I stood there, spellbound. Sometimes life can feel heavy, dark and stagnant. At such times, receiving a reminder of a spiritual reality beyond the material is a soothing balm to my soul. I’ve experienced how these hope-giving reminders come in a variety of forms: through encouraging words from a friend, an excerpt from a wisdom text, the breathtaking beauty of nature, and so on.

This photo reminds me of a quote that I adore: “The need of the spirit soul is that she wants to get out of the limited sphere of material bondage and fulfill her desire for complete freedom. She wants to get out of the covered walls of the greater universe. She wants to see the free light and the spirit. That complete freedom is achieved when she meets the complete spirit, the Personality of Godhead." (Srimad Bhagavatam 1.2.8 purport)

Aah, to be bathed in that "free light and spirit." How nourishing!

Wise Investments

I drew this to remind myself to make those daily investments. I am grateful to Sacinandana Swami for emphasizing this point. A wise decision in an otherwise temporary world! 

Spirit Shines Through

As I observed sunlight's transformation on these leaves, I reflected on how a spirit soul illumines the body with consciousness. A question arose: In my interactions with others, how often do I actually look beyond the externals and see the luminous soul within? I have noticed that when I am able to focus on the spirit that shines through someone’s eyes, to recall that they are eternal beings and parts-and-parcels of the Supreme Person, my connection with them deepens and feels more meaningful. Have you observed something similar?

It's always fun for me to discover a quote that supports a reflection, so I was delighted to come across these relevant words: "Atomic particles of the spirit whole are compared to the sunshine molecules. In the sunshine there are innumerable radiant molecules. Similarly, the fragmental parts of the Supreme Lord are atomic sparks of the rays of the Supreme Lord." (Bhagavad Gita As It Is 2.17, Purport)

Wabi-Sabi: Beauty in Decay

This striking tree skeleton makes me think of wabi-sabi. In traditional Japanese aesthetics, wabi-sabi is a world view centered on finding beauty in imperfection and transience. Applying this concept enhances my appreciation for the Supreme Artist who designed a world where even decay can be beautiful.

At an art gallery speech in New Zealand in 1972, Srila Prabhupada (founder of ISKCON) shared this wisdom with his audience: “Those who have developed love of God are enjoying transcendental pleasure at every moment by seeing the artistic work of Krishna everywhere.” Now that’s an appealing aspiration!

(Note: I took this photo at Paynes Prairie in Gainesville, FL)

Amidst a Sea of Acorns

The other day I was inspired to discover a tiny sapling amidst a sea of acorns. The little tree appears to be surrounded by a community of well-wishers encouraging its transformation. I reflected on all the kind souls who have supported me along my journey.

Srila Prabhupada explains: "...at the end of life, when one has to go back home, back to Godhead, everyone has to take care of oneself without help rendered by another. The help is, however, offered on the ground before flying in space." (Srimad Bhagavatam 1.15.50 purport)

Let's support each other while we’re on the ground, so that when that final hour arrives, each of us will be ready to fly our own plane. And since we are eternal, we will feel the continued encouragement and support of our well-wishers as we soar onward and upward.

Precious and Fleeting

While observing these droplets on the velvety surface of leaves-- some still spherical and others beginning their descent--a line from Vaisnava poet Govinda Dasa came to mind: "This life is tottering like a drop of water on a lotus petal." Life is precious and fleeting. Am I using mine as prudently as I can?

The wisest decision we could make is to spend a little time today investing in the eternal. Then the following day (or week, month or year, depending on how quickly we want to eternalize our existence) we can add one more minute. And then another, and another...to eternity and beyond! As Sacinandana Swami eloquently puts it, let us create memories of eternal value.