My Journey to Authenticity

The other day I discovered that I have outgrown the ability to be inauthentic. I noticed this when I tried on a former persona to make someone comfortable, the way one might squeeze into a pair of shoes a size too small and then hobble about all day just to please everyone else. Ouch! Inauthenticity hurts. It takes a toll on the body and mind. And it suffocates the spirit.

While there were many gifts to growing up in a spiritual community, a difficult aspect for me was the feeling that I might not be accepted if I was fully myself. As a sensitive child, I noticed any critical remarks directed at those who didn't uphold certain standards. I learned what to do and say to gain approval, and which aspects of myself to conceal to avoid potential rejection. I hid potato chips, movies, and pets when community members came over. On a deeper level, my doubts, concerns, and opinions were stuffed away. This facade resulted in others praising me for being a well-behaved girl and exemplary spiritual practitioner, which exacerbated my fears of being discovered for my less-than-perfect self. I felt trapped on the pedestal I had been placed on and didn't know how to get down.

Painful though it was, for decades I felt safer living a double life than an authentic one. This contributed to feelings of fragmentation, anxiety, isolation, and shame, and took a toll on my health as well. Sadly, when we don't feel safe to be ourselves, we must expend a lot of precious life energy in containment, rather than offering our unique contributions to the world.

As difficult as it can be to start showing up authentically, the more we do it, the easier it gets. By repeated practice, I gradually learned to trust that it is okay to show up fully as myself. Thanks to this journey, I have developed real, meaningful relationships. We all need someone in our life who will accept and encourage us just as we are. In their company we can heal and move forward. I am grateful for the loving people in my life who have done this for me. Today I feel lighter, more peaceful, and a new sense of freedom.

When I relax into myself, I find that I have more space to provide care and support for others. I empathize with those who struggle to find belonging and I would like others to feel safe being themselves with me. Please let me know if I can be of any support on your journey.